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23.11.2014

23.11.2014

Tomorrow is Monday, Monday stands for a new beginning.
I’ve tried and tried to loose the weight but I’m not strong enough.
I find myself eating everything out of the fridge and wanting to throw it up again. I can restrain myself from throwing up, but why not from eating? I have to write down what I’m going to eat the next day and I really need this week to work out. I want everyone to whisper that I’ve lost the weight and that I look amazing. Because how I look now is just a disappointment for myself. I fell heavy, ugly, fat, discussing and most of all insecure. I want to feel as light as a feather, sporty, energetic and confident. I can only do that, by fasting and drinking my diet-drink.

I know it’s unhealthy but that’s the ONLY solution! After fasting I feel empty and good, and that’s how I want to feel all the time.
I’d rather starve and be skinny than be healthy and a fat cow.
Because look at all these fat people, there always talking about how healthy they eat and how it’s not a problem if you eat a bit of chocolate…well it is!

Beautiful girls don’t eat! They drink coffee and sleep and learn. That’s all.
Today I didn’t count calories because if I did, I would have to hurt myself, and I don’t want to do that. So I have a plan.
Tomorrow I’ll fast because fasting is the secret to being skinny. I have to go to bed early because I need all the energy tomorrow.
This is my plan and at the end of the week I will feel powerful, pretty and light. And I want to join the ana-circle even if it’s hell. It’s my comfort.

I believe in myself. I can do this. I will do this. I will be skinny. I will loose weight. I will be beautiful and feel confident. I will be powerful. I will have self control. I will hate food. I will be the skinny one. I will be powerful.

I ate my cake, knowingly that it would be my last. It shocks you to think that it’s going to be your last cake forever but honestly, the first time I fasted I was terrified, and now I almost do it every 2nd day.

23.11.2014. The last time she enjoyed her meal.
The last time she didn’t count calories. The last time food gave her comfort. The last time for a lot of last times.

I’m so scared that I’m going to fuck up again. I’m so scared that I’ll end up where I am now. But life is about being scared and taking a risk.
I don’t want to comfort myself. I have to expand my capability of a lot of things. And if I don’t start tomorrow, then when?

I’m going a bit mad, aren’t I?
16.12.14 18:36


19.11.2014

19.11.2104

When you see someone all you see is ‚blank‘.

You might think there pretty or ugly, skinny, fat, tall, short, doesn’t matter. But all I see when I see myself…is someone I don’t want to be.
I’ve seen this person for a very long time and I screw up every time I try to change myself.
Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself, and I struggle every time I try to do that.

Because all you see is the body and figure and face.
There is no looking into the brain or even guessing, because everyone is WRONG.
There are so many people in this universe, I even believe beyond that. So why me?
Why would I risk getting a heart attack or not having children just to be skinny.
Why would I throw away everything people tell me to eat in the next room?

There are so many people who have bigger problems and I really can’t imagine what set this thought in my mind.

If I had to describe it I would say that it’s a demon.
I hear voices telling me to eat and not to. I cry every night because I can feel the fat on my tummy when I lay on my side.
I don’t fit into my jeans anymore. It’s awful just terrible. Knowing that that bit of fat sits on your body and just doesn’t go away. The fat that makes you ugly and just FAT. And still I eat. Why? I really don’t know.

I guess I’m just a girl that really has no self control.
Because that’s all it is, two words 11 letters.
Self control.

Hight: 162 cm
Weight : 51,6kg
Ate about 1000-1500 calories.
Burned off 1013 calories (why so weak?)

I’m so hungry. All the time. It fuckes up my mind

16.12.14 18:36





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